How to Clean a Big Fat Baby

I don’t mean to brag, but I have fat babies. Rolly-polly nook-and-cranny babies. I’m one of those cooky moms who breastfeed exclusively for a very long time, so I don’t know why my babies are fat. I do know it’s a blessing though because all my friends with skinny babies are always worrying and complaining that their babies are too skinny. For mothers of skinny babies check ups are traumatic, and diapers are always leaking. Grandmothers and poorly misguided pediatritians are pushing formula and early solid introduction even though the kid is just fine and everyone knows that breast is best. It’s a nightmare.

I don’t have that problem. I have the opposite problem. What could be the problem with a fat baby you say? I’ll tell you what the problem is. It’s the shmutz. Keeping a fat baby clean is like trying to keep a kitchen counter made out of macaroni clean. Cooked macaroni. How to do get the shmutz out? If you wash it every day, it’s too much wear and tear and if you don’t it gets deeply disgusting, fast. Same for a baby, if you bathe them every day, their skin gets too dry and irritated. And even if you do that, how do you get that god awful smelling neck dry and staying clean after the bath? I have tried keeping a fat neck extended enough to be aired out. It does not work and you get one pissed off kid! And that behind the ears cheese receptacle, and oh lord, the belly button. Even if you have a skinny baby, you have that to deal with.

And what soap do you use? The one with the sodium laurel sulfate, or the one with the carcinogenic refined petroleum derrivatives that you can’t pronounce? Or the “natural” one, with the “fragrance”?

Well by my fourth baby, I finally came up with a perfect strategy. Don’t wash, wipe. That’s right, just wipe it out. Make or get some salve, made with non synthetic and non irritating ingredients only, put some on your clean hands, and wipe out the shmutz. Wipe out behind the ears, under the arms and all those places. Wipe down that squishy tushy while you are at it. Put some on a q-tip and clean out the belly button. Don’t use any water, because water just feeds the festering bacteria and yeasts that are waiting to grow in that nice cozy environment. Salve is lipid (oil) based and has no water in it so it works as a moisture barrier keeping skin moist but not promoting any nasty microbial growth which can lead to stink, rashes, and infections. Then wash and dry your hands and do it one more time. Wipe down that whole baby with smooth and shmeary salve. Make it like a little baby massage time

Don’t get me wrong, when the frozen blueberries she had for breakfast come back to haunt you, it’s time for a bath. But in between those events, take a little advice. Don’t wash, wipe.

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